When I get depressed, I get very thin-skinned. The whole world is there to bother me. This probably helped spark the painful feelings during the divorce of my first wife. I felt, at the time, that she was always nagging me. In hindsight it was me taking everything so personally, that any discussion turned into a huge explosion of emotion.
I think I was depressed throughout the marriage, ( 3 kids, 3 million diaper changes all in less than 3 years).
I wasn’t diagnosed yet back then so I couldn’t comprehend what was going on sometimes. Near the end all I would do was hide in the basement with my computer (commodore 64) and watched TV.
I remember one night she came down and told me she didn’t love me anymore. I was so wrapped up in my cocoon by that point, that what she said barely scratched the surface of my shield I was hiding behind, After that it was the usual lawyer stuff. He said/she said. We haven’t spoken until just recently 20 odd years later. ( thin skin )
It wasn’t until another 5 years after the divorce that I was diagnosed with depression. I was given Prozac, the worst drug you can give a Manic Depressive. The Summer of Prozac, I like to call it was an interesting time and is a whole other story.
“When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?” (from 365-days-of-writing-prompts)
I guess the fist time I really felt like a grown up, was when I was fifteen years old (I matured early) and I “ran away from home”. I decided to hitch hike across Canada to British Columbia. In hind sight it really was not the most mature thing I could do.
The freedom I felt was fantastic. I really felt self-confident for the first in a long time.
Of course I had no idea that I was on a big manic high – Until I returned home and crashed into a bad depression about two weeks later and quit school, and had my first thoughts of suicide. I should have looked for help then but I had no Idea what was happening.
I don”t remember feeling too grown up then.
Stay tuned for the rest of my travel across Canada!
Originally published in :
Mental Illness Can Zap Motivation – HealthyPlace E-Zine
Mental health difficulties can make life challenging, and they can zap our motivation and zest for life. Motivation is a force within us that can inspire and energize. Motivation can also be the opposite; it can be an unreachable concept that zaps and deflates. When we’re dealing with a mental illness, be it depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, or any other condition, we can find it hard to be enthusiastic about doing anything. When Depression Causes A Lack of Motivation.Then, to add insult to injury, we know that we “should” be motivated to excel or even get out of bed. We want to, but we just can’t.
As if the loss of motivation and drive weren’t hard enough, people who don’t realize the scope of mental health challenges sometimes use labels like “lazy” or “unwilling to try.” That can make us feel even worse about ourselves. (The Effects of Mental Health Stigma)
Know that a loss of motivation is a side effect of many different mental illnesses. Remain focused on those things you used to love, that you would do if you could. As you recover, you’ll find that your motivation begins to return.